im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
