I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
