You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
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Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
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He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone