Someone shit on the floor
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.