exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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