theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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