update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
