what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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