im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
