Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
