I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
