rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
