i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
