I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
