Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
