Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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