I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
