Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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