Im at strip club and am horny
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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