Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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