Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
