I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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