Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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