Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
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where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga