got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.