I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
