I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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