I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
