did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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