My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
