And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
