Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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