I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
