chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
