So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
