okay pat passed out under dana's car
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She's the barista slut.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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