If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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