Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Randomize
