im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
