Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
