Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
