we're chasing vodka with high fives
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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