I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
