The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
