I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
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I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
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I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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