Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She announced her abortion via fbk
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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