Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
