the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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