so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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