No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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