I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
