Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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