I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
