Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
